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When Trump and Merkel finally meet face to face at the White House, I imagine it will be as awkward as the ex-wife at a wedding – something Donald is an expert at I guess.
They could not be more different. Trump wears his heart on his sleeve. Merkel could have murdered her own parents as they slept and eaten their liver for breakfast, and you wouldn't have the first idea.
He wants to drain the swamp. An unelected leader of unelected bureaucrats in Brussels, she is virtually the bog monster.
She is the mother of all migrants - known as Mother Merkel. And he is the author of the so-called Muslim ban.
Merkel travels with a wardrobe assistant tasked with making her look boring so people focus on her politics. Trump would spray The White House gold if he could.
If they have any hope of making political progress together, there are 10 key issues I think Trump needs to make abundantly clear to Merkel before they get down to business on Friday when they meet.
1) Little fish. Big pond.
In Europe you are the big fish. This is because the pond is quite little. You are Chancellor of Germany. But Germany only has 80 million people living in it, despite you inviting half of the Middle East to move in.
And while you may be the de facto leader of Europe, there was never actually an election for that role.
You were voted TIME person of the year in 2015. Some have even called you Chancellor of the Free World. And I respect that.
But here's the thing. I like to think big. America has 324 million people living in it (that we know about. I am deporting illegals as we speak). And I am President of them all. I was TIME Person of the Year 2016. And I am the Leader of the Free World.
Know your place. It's behind me.
2) I love Nigel Farage and Brexit.
You and I are opposites. I like cheeseburgers You like frankfurters. I like Nigel Farage. You hate him. I like to put America First. You want to put Germany second behind the EU. I have a personality. You don't.
If we are going to work together, we need to accept that we think differently and your views are wrong.
Firm friends: Trump seems to have a soft spot for Brexit leader Nigel Farage. Merkel by contrast hates him. Katie says if they are going to work together they need to accept they are different and move on
3) Enhance your location.
Have you read The Art of the Deal? You should.
You tried to enhance your location by adding half of Syria. This was a catastrophe.
You know it, I know it, and the German nationals killed by axe, machete, lorry and bombs got to know about it, too.
Twelve months ago in Iowa I said: 'The German people are going to end up overthrowing this woman. I don't know what the hell she is thinking.'
On my Twitter I also said you are 'ruining Germany'. I was right again.
My travel ban is the only sensible way to make a country Great Again and I will not be lectured about 'regrets' over my travel ban by a woman who says 'we have much more to gain from migrants than to fear from them' even as another handful of Germans is hacked to death at one of your train stations.
You want to deport 100,000 migrants this year because you made a mistake letting them in. A travel ban cuts out the bit where you let them in and saves paying for them to go home. And makes me cleverer than you.
Refugees wait for a special railway station near the Austrian-German border after coming through Hungary and Australia; Germany's migrant policy has been perceived to be a catastrophe
4) Trade and security are a bit like peanut butter and jelly.
They go together. US trade deficits are a national security issue. If you want to reduce our $65 billion trade deficit with Germany, you might want to think about a nifty arms deal with me to enable your penny-pinching government to get closer to the 2% NATO spending target I plan to enforce.
I am Leader of the Free World. I am not the financier of the global army. And if you want to sell me your BMWs, you better get looking at my Apaches — pronto.
I heard you talk to business leaders in Munich on Monday about free trade. You said: 'The United States of America is a key trading partner for Germany and for the entire European Union.'
This makes you smart. You need me and you know it.
I don't need you. And I know that. Which makes me smarter.
President Donald Trump, center, Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny, right, and House Speaker Paul Ryan, pose for photographs after a "Friends of Ireland" luncheon on Capitol Hill
6) Your Master’s Voice.
You said you came up with a slogan for your visit: 'One-on-one conversations are always much better than talking about each other.'
Let me be clear: that is not a slogan. That's a German conversation. And you guys are as emotionally intelligent as Melania.
You have no idea about slogans.
Make America Great Again. Lock her up. Build a wall.
Those are slogans.
Slogans are three or four words long. Not thirteen.
You want a slogan for this visit? No more migrants. Now that's a slogan
When Trump and Merkel finally meet face to face at the White House, I imagine it will be as awkward as the ex-wife at a wedding – something Donald is an expert at I guess
7) Fake news.
You need to get a grip on fake news. Your biased press called me an 'unsophisticated yet self-absorbed political neophyte'. In German.
I don't know what that means. But I do know I am not whatever that is.
Get a grip on your press. They need to start singing from the Trump sheet. Fast.
8) Manage your currency.
Your euro is about as valuable as the Venezuelan bolivar. Which is weighed, not counted. I have cheese in my refrigerator which is worth more.
My director of National Trade says your undervalued euro, and Germany in particular, is the reason the EU—US trade agreement is a bigger failure than Hilary Clinton.
9) Make America Crude Again.
Do I look like a man who eats lentils? We need to get coal, oil and gas moving in America.
In case you have forgotten, former ExxonMobil Chief Executive Rex Tillerson is my Secretary of State.
You want to talk to me about your Paris Agreement on climate change where 194 nations sat in a room and talked hot air whilst eating mung beans?
Prove to me how that trumps the wider appeal of projects boosting the country's energy industry, providing jobs and utilizing domestic steel to boot.
And whilst you are about it, make your mind up. Haven’t you been lobbying US regulators to relax environmental standards for your filthy German diesel cars?
Either you are green or you’re not. From where I am sitting, you appear to be ginger.
10) Money was never a big motivation to me. Except to keep score
Your net worth is $11.5 million. Mine is $3.7 billion.
Donald J Trump